Then again..A few hours ago, I did some couples photos for a friend of mine and his girlfriend. The thing is, I liked this guy for years. He already knows this as I told him last Winter, and oddly enough, it never felt awkward between us after that.
Anyway, they arrive shortly after he calls to schedule a last minute couples portrait session. Quite frankly, I didn't really care about taking the photos, I just wanted to see him again. But I also didn't want to appear jealous of him and his girlfriend. I might have been trying a bit too hard though, because I was acting a little weird during the shoot. So as soon as I hear them knock, I open the door to see him smiling, but something didn't exactly feel right. I didn't think too much of it at the time, so I just went ahead and greeted him, opened the door wider for him, then met his girlfriend not too long afterwords. We introduce ourselves and I guide her into my cluttered room. For the little time we spent, we got along pretty well and I ended up liking her a lot. He sits on the portion of my sofa that isn't covered in clothes, towels and lighting equipment, picks up one of my guitars and starts playing a tune. I comment on his skills while getting the backdrop set up.
During the shoot, it was hard for me to focus on everything I was doing since I was photographing a guy, that I've liked since 2004, embracing and holding his girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I respect/admire what they have for each other, and I don't ever intend to get in between them. Ironically, the whole time I was shooting, I was determined to hide a jealousy that, I later realized, was never really there.
As soon as they left, I expected to bawl my eyes out like a stupid spoiled emo kid. There I was, waiting for the tears to stream, but not one single drop left my eye. So I get in the shower, thinking that it was only a matter of time before my eyes start watering, but the only water that came out was from the shower head.
I was starting to get concerned. There had to have been something wrong with me because I usually shed more than a few tears when the sad truth hits me like that in the face. What the hell was going on here?
So after editing a few pics, and emailing them to him, I watch The Elephant Man, then go to bed. Since I couldn't sleep (not because of the movie lol), I just laid there, dwelling on what was going on with me and my feelings for him. It was then that it dawned on me that I was actually getting over him. What got me confused before was that I was so used to liking him that it felt weird not having any feelings for him at all. I'm talking about feelings that have existed and grown since 2004-2005! It's kinda like living with someone for so long that you get used to their presence, but when they suddenly leave, you're left with a sense of emptiness and confusion.
As stupid as this may sound, I don't think I was really ready to get over him. Hell, I don't think I ever wanted to get over him. But somehow I did, and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. I know I should be glad because I'm finally seeing him as just a friend. But all the same, I missed the feelings I had for him.
While I was lying in bed, I was asking myself if all of those years I spent liking him were a complete waste of my time. The obvious answer would be yes, but then I started thinking back to all of my previous girlfriends, the dates I've had with various guys, the one night stands, coming back home drunk from parties, my first unrequited love, the crappy years in elementary school, and I started wondering if all of that was a waste of time as well. That's when I realized that no-one in our lives are ever a waste of time. Even if we no longer talk to some of those people, we can't deny that we've learned more about ourselves because of them. Even if they're a complete stranger, a random person we talk to online, our friends, family, crushes, enemies, etc. All of them become a part of our lives for a reason. No matter how big or small that reason is. Putting this into perspective, I've realized that he was never a waste of my time at all. He was just one of the many puzzle pieces that makes up the larger (albeit jumbled) picture that is my crazy life.
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My Store | My Stock | Movie status
All work in this gallery as well as my avatar are © Kgstv and must not be used without my written permission.
My Store | My Stock | Movie status
All work in this gallery as well as my avatar are © Kgstv and must not be used without my written permission.
Devious Comments
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He that plants a tree, loves others besides himself. ~Thomas Fuller
And I enjoy personal journal entries. Not everyone can be a news channel!
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My Pacific Northwest Photography Gallery: [link]
My Visual Poetry Gallery: [link]
My Love
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.■ kris flores ■.
my website -> click
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.■ kris flores ■.
my website -> click
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He that plants a tree, loves others besides himself. ~Thomas Fuller
Amen to that.
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.■ kris flores ■.
my website -> click
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.■ kris flores ■.
my website -> click
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